Let’s be completely honest about it. If you are reading this right now sitting at your desk at work, you are trying in vain to look busy, but are instead wasting time on the internet. And even if you are a productive worker with integrity and honesty, you can’t stand being chained to that desk under fluorescent lighting for another minute.

Unfortunately, you are limited to the days you can take off by the number of vacation days your company allocates. In most cases, this is two or three weeks depending on how long you have been with the company. It is also unfortunate that you don’t have any vacation days left because you had to burn through them visiting your wife’s parents in Arizona. Basically, you have no time left to take off and enjoy the fresh air, sunshine and exercise.

You deserve a day off, plain and simple. You just spent the last few days sorting through a mountain of paperwork to determine what needs to be kept and what can get shredded. You called your Orlando paper shredding services and the job is now complete. You now need a way out. If you are determined to take the day off tomorrow, here are a few excuses that just might work.

Food Poisoning

This is a good excuse that can be used once a year, but be careful not to overdo it. Food poisoning is a good ploy because it leaves very little evidence behind. The key is to blame your demise on a restaurant noted for being, shall we say, a little dirty to begin with. If you can’t think of a good restaurant to blame, then use a specific food as an excuse. The convenience store sushi was a great excuse a few years ago, but that ship has long sailed.

You will want to sell it, so it has to be specific. For example, you are sick because of the chicken salad sandwich you ate from the snack machine at the truck stop on I-75. If all else fails, blame it on the chalupa you ate at Taco Bell. Everybody will believe that.

Your Kid was Suspended for Swearing

Kids are always a good excuse to take the day off work, the problem is we get weighed down using the same boring excuses. If you call in to say you have to stay home with a sick kid, the company might want proof from a doctor that the kid is really sick. But if you call in because your kid got suspended for a day for using salty language, we are pretty sure no evidence will be needed and the subject will be quickly dropped. Nobody is going to want to know what was said and to whom.

Mental Anxiety

This is an excuse that is good just one time. Tell your boss you totally forgot your wedding anniversary. But here is the catch; it was a special anniversary, like your 10-year, 25-year or 30-year anniversary. It may even work if you say you forgot your very first anniversary; year one. If your boss is a man, he might give you the week off to recover. But if your boss is female, you might suffer her wrath as well. Choose wisely.

Your Pressure Cooker Exploded

No kidding, if you are going to use a disaster to stay home from work, make it totally believable. We aren’t sure the statistics of pressure cooker explosions, but if they do happen, we are sure they are quite devastating mentally and probably make a huge mess.

You Mistook Liquid Drano for Rogaine and Suffered Chemical Burns

This is a great excuse because you can wear a hat, bandana or another object on your head to hide the fact there is nothing wrong with your head. Anybody with a full head of hair should avoid using this excuse as it might not fly.

With whatever excuse you go with, do it with great care. You are not being a very honest person, so beware what you say on social media as people at work might be checking up with you. The safest bet is to not post the picture of that 4-pound trout you pulled out of the lake on the day you said you needed off to attend your wife’s uncle’s funeral.